Well...that's not completely accurate to be honest.
I didn't really find myself feeling lost last year when I was 57 then realized a year later that I'm back on the right track at 58. "Lost at 57 Found at 58" just had a nice ring to it.
WHEN THE GPS WENT OFFLINE
No - this was a process that started March of 2018 - the year Dad passed away. He was 87.
It was my first major grief experience outside of Chewy (our Chow Chow) in 2011 and Bruno (our Siberian Husky) in 2013 going to that proverbial Rainbow Bridge. That was painful to be for sure, but losing Dad was a whole 'nother level of loss that I was totally unprepared for.
When one is not fully present nor mindful of what's going on in one's life, those little seemingly inconsequential things creep up on us and lodge themselves in the hidden recesses of our subconscious.
My survival instinct and grief coping mechanism kicked in and I figured "just focus on work and keep yourself busy." For me that meant my day job as a software engineer. There was comfort in routine - look at code, keep the applications running, help manage the team, fix issues, rinse and repeat.
THINGS UNNOTICED
I didn't notice the waning interest to grow - to pursue the things that used to fill me with purpose. Creativity was shunned because that meant opening my heart in ways that was just too painful to bear at the time. Silently a habit formed - one that provided a convenient escape from facing some harsh truths.
The one thing about the mind though, it plants subtle hints when some form of course correction is needed. It knows something is being repressed, and it's struggling with the extra weight that's being dumped on it.
I endeavored to find my way back not realizing certain habits have already taken root - the ones filled with self denial and self doubt. It was easy to fool myself into believing "I got this" even though something inside was crying out for help.
Then the pandemic hit in 2020, and a few months thereafter Mom joined Dad in July of that year. She was 86.
I resorted to the same coping mechanisms, the same old patterns. Hole dug deeper unbeknownst to the digger.
Then one day I just woke up alienated from a Universe that used to fill me with purpose and direction. The daily grind was still chugging along on autopilot. In fact on hindsight I realized I was extremely productive at work. But everything just felt meaningless and empty. I was simply drifting, capable and functioning, yet never in control of where I wanted to steer the rudder. I felt powerless as a passenger, and I was dreading where I was being led, to a future I wasn't actively shaping.
This was late last year.
WAKE UP CALL
That lack of control was what woke me up from my directionless slumber.
I remembered Socrates' immortal words.
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
And so I examined. Needless to say I wasn't happy with what stared back at me in retrospect.
But that was exactly where I needed to start - a point of dissatisfaction strong enough to yearn for catharsis and change.
I'm a firm believer in "do overs" as opposed to repeating a pattern of behavior that no longer serves me. And it doesn't matter when the need for it hits. Sometimes something happens that radically alters your sense of equilibrium and leaves you struggling to find your center. You could be cruising for decades when that happens and you start questioning things you've taken for granted. Or you begin to doubt if the sky is actually blue.
My mind needed recalibrating and feeding. So I went back to the one place I knew where the wisdom of the past and present are made available for ingestion to those who need it - books and philosophy.
SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND
To correct the course, one has to acknowledge they're off course in the first place. That can be quite humbling and unnerving as you face the fear of letting go of a familiar past and the anticipation of an unknown future - things you associated with starting anew.
Being on autopilot, relying on heuristics - they’re great for finding short cuts in addressing seemingly “urgent” problems without overly taxing the mind. But left to its own devices, it can easily lead to mental atrophy. Worse, it turns our minds into reactionary lemmings to societal stimulants craving for our attention and subservience, unless we actively seek to take control back and rightfully steer our own thoughts to where they empower rather than enslave us.
As the bestselling author Brené Brown alluded to on a podcast with Tim Ferriss, we all build armors early on in life that we believed were protecting us from life’s harsh realities. Then one day we wake up to the realization that the armor that used to shield us no longer serves us, and in fact was preventing us from being the best versions of ourselves.
“RECALCULATING”
Once I took that small step towards a slight trajectory change towards a different way of viewing and thinking about things, I could hear my soul’s GPS whispering the words “recalculating.” And it was liberating.
It began with the book by Ryan Holiday called The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living.
As I slowly recalibrated my thinking into focusing on just 3 things:
Controlling my perceptions.
Directed my actions properly.
Willingly accept what’s outside of my control.
…I found my mind being less cluttered by directionless meanderings, creating more room and capacity to learn new things.
I found myself relishing daily walks while listening to podcasts by thought leaders like Naval Ravikant, Tim Ferriss, David Deutsch, and discovering more each day.
Just like in the book The War Of Art by Steven Pressfield and Shawn Coyne, I’m slowly able to summon the “muse” not through idle waiting for blessed inspiration, but by actively facing the “resistance” that always seem to appear when you’re on the verge of connecting with the Universe and the source of all creativity.
That discipline was sorely lacking through the autopilot years. And to be reacquainted with it is something I’m truly grateful for.
The benefit of compounding is predicated on consistency.
It is my hope that I would be able to build upon this gracious gift of a mulligan and continue to mindfully grow and contribute in a meaningful way to my small circle of influence in an ever expanding universe.
Always In Music, Lifestyle & Mindfulness,